Jet Pilot Programme, 43 Air School, South Africa

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure , masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over yourface. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
 
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. . OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!

Instrument flying is an integral part of a pilot’s career. It is the technique used to fly commercially. It is taught so you can fly in low cloud, low visibility conditions – basically only being able to see the runway by the approach lights as you arrive at it.

It all begins on a basic simulator where you have only the instruments in front of you (i.e. no image!!!). This is where you learn the basics to fly on instruments alone. All of this builds you up to learn to completely rely on your instruments and not necessarily what your mind is telling you (‘seat of the pants’ sense).

The first practical application of this knowledge is to complete your Night Rating. This consists of 10 flights in the aircraft in simulated darkness. In order to simulate darkness we use cardboard screens designed specifically to block your vision of the outside world, while orientated to allow your instructor full view.

The various manoeuvres practiced are rate 1 turns, steep turns, climbing and descending turns, and timed turns when practising limited panel (partial instrument failure).

The necessity to complete this phase of flight is to allow you to operate the aircraft without outside reference or horizon. These skills are an essential part of later and more complex instrument flying.

These newly acquired skills are then implemented in the use of navigation aids. It begins with the Non Directional Beacon (NDB) and VHF omni-directional radio range (VOR). These nav aids are located at all major airports and are used for instruments procedures, i.e. holding overhead an aerodrome and non-precision approaches to land.

To begin with the training focuses on structured holds which are specifically designed with the nav aid, aerodrome, and aircraft in mind. These are used at busy airports to ensure vertical separation while waiting to land.

Once this is mastered, your training progresses to non-precision and precision approaches to land. These procedures are also specifically designed with the nav aid, aerodrome and aircraft in mind, but surrounding terrain heights are considered too.

These procedures are laid out on ICAO specific Approach Charts, commonly called plates.

It is necessary to use another nav aid, called an Instrument Landing System (ILS), to    execute a precision approach. The ILS consists of a localiser (lateral guidance) and a glide slope (vertical guidance). This combination allows you to fly an approach to a runway in minimum visibility and extremely low cloud (a normal day in Ireland !). These conditions are known in aviation as Instrument Meteorological Conditions (IMC).  

Each aerodrome has an exclusively designed plate for each approach and runway. These are based on nav aid availability, runway elevation, surrounding terrain elevation and type of aircraft. As mentioned earlier these techniques are used by all modern airliners to allow global navigation in extreme weather conditions.

Sheena Chapple & Sarah Louise Gibbons